Adventures Of The Retarded Kind: Take 1
by tartanbanana
Summary: Welcome to our new show Adventures Of The Retared Kind where we will see: Voldemort and Grindelwald playwrites! Harry obsessed with Twilight! Draco trying to court Hermione! The Death Eaters performing King Lear and much much more. Please R
1. Chapter 1

A/N the bold print indicates actions

DISCLAIMER: we own nothing except a computer and some cheese. YAY cheese

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Harry: I never paid much thought as to how I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like-

Draco: A pretty shit way to go, why are you quoting twilight?

Harry: Because I feel like it and besides it's the only way I'll see Cedric again.

Draco: For the last time he's not Cedric, it's the same actor who played Cedric and Edward Cullen, jeez get it right.

Harry: What are you doing here anyway? Other than destroying me dreams.

Draco *looks around to find that he's in the Gryffindor common room*: Waiting for Hermione.

**Right on cue Hermione walks down the stairs, convenient huh?**

Draco *on cue*: I cannot live without my life I cannot live without my soul!

Harry: Stop quoting Eclipse

Hermione: For god sake the author stole it off Wuthering Heights and for the last time Draco I am not interested in ferrets.

Draco: Harsh.

** Scene Change: Malfoy Manor  
**

Snape: I am a man more sinn'd against that sinning. ***Falls to ground overly theatric pose***

Lucius: WHY do I need to be Goneril? I am a man - as shown by my impressive son-

Snape *coughing*: Whore, whore

Lucius * acts as though he hasn't heard*: and Bellatrix is evil enough.

Snape: No she's_ too_ evil, she's playing Edmund.

Lucius: Grr… I hate-ith King Lear

**Voldemort enters dressed as Shakespeare wearing a Britney Spears pigtail wig (they were all out of Shakespeare ones and that was the next best thing**)

Voldemort: Come on it's my life ambition to produce a Shakespeare play.

Snape: I thought your life ambition was to be a Spice Girl- I mean kill Potter

Voldemort: I can have more than one life ambition, I am a Dark Lord after all ***flounces out of room***

Narcissa and Bellatrix *sitting in coner, Narcissa dressed as Kent and Bellatrix dressed as Edmund*: Drama Queen.

**Scene Change: Gryffindor Common Room  
**

Harry: It's totally original and scary, they're like super, sparkly, fast, amazing vampires.

Ron *in child's voice*: Sparkly

Hermione: Don't pollute his mind with that crap

Harry: It's not crap

Draco: Listen to squirrel face, it's crap

Hermione: Squirrel Face!

Draco: You have big teeth and I need to think of something to get payback on Ferret

Hermione: If this is what you say to the woman your trying to court

Draco: Don't worry I gave up half an hour ago

Hermione *incredibly happy*: Really!

Draco: Nope, My love for Pansy is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for you-

Hermione: Piss off

Draco: Fine, but don't come crying to me if no one ever recites Wuthering Heights to you again.

***Draco walks out of the Gryffindor Common Room***

**Scene Change: Dumbledore's office**

Dumbledore: Minerva have you had any success in findng a play for the end of year celebration?

McGonagall: I've found this one called King Lear by Tom Riddle and to be honest anything will be better than last years Rocky Horror Picture Show, personally I think Potter and Malfoy played Frank'N'Furter and Rocky a bit too graphically. I don't even think that scene they played was in the script...

Dumbledore: Yes several first years had to go to counselling. I think we should give this Tom Riddle a go, make the neccessary preparations. I'm glad his middle name isn't Marvolo, then I'd be worried, I mean Voldemort a playwrite!

Harry ***Pops head round office door followed by Draco***: What about Twilight, its a tragic tale of love through the ages and how it can conquer all, with amazing sparkly vampires-

Draco *interupts*: you mean beasteality and paedophilia. How about Wutherng Heights its a wonderful tale of love and hardships?

Harry and Draco: please, please, please, please, please, please

McGonagall: silencio, we have already decided boys, Professor Dumbledore I'll owl them immediatly *Harry and Draco walk away looking disapointed*

Dumbledore: Excellent

**Scene Change: Malfoy Manor**

Voldemort: Yippee, yippee, yay yay it got accepted! ***does happy dance while Death Eaters back off***

Bellatrix *murmers to Narcissa*: I quit, anyone for Othello by Grindelwald?

tbc

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With the preparations underway will Draco ever court Hermione? Will Harry stop obsessing over Twilight? Will Voldemort ever produce a Shakespeare play and become a Spice Girl… er I mean kill Potter? Will Ron get more than two brain cells? Tune in next time for more Adventures Of The Retarded Kind

Should we continue this? Please review


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: we only own the computer and some cheese. YAY cheese!

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**Part 2  
**

**Dumbledore's Office**

Voldemort: Thank you for allowing us to present our play to the pupils of Hogwarts

Dumbledore: Wait you are Tom Riddle?

Voldemort: Well I thought that was rather obvious

Dumbledore: Well, erm…. you realise that whilst you maintain hostilities towards Harry Potter you cannot perform the play here.

Voldemort: Well we all must suffer for our art, I promise that I will not harm Mr Potter if our play is well received, besides world domination is old, showbiz is new and popular right now.

Dumbledore: No crossed fingers?

Voldemort: I assure you I will keep my word

Dumbledore: Well I don't see how letting a mass murderer who is after one of my pupils, into the school to perform a play is harmful or weird in anyway. Deal.

**Scene Change: Gryffindor Common Room**

Hermione: Harry what are you doing with the glitter and the glue?

Harry *hides glitter and glue behind his back*: nothing

Hermione: Okay whatever it is I don't want to know

**Harry backs out of room still hiding glitter and glue and Draco enters**

Draco: For some reason my father is in the Great Hall in a dress!

Hermione: McGonagall just informed me that Voldemort is putting on a production of King Lear. On the promise that he will give up on world domination.

Draco: That sounds perfectly reasonable

**Harry emerges from the boys dormitory covered in glitter**

Harry: Woo look at me I'm a vampire, watch me sparkle!

Ron: Merlin they do exist!

Hermione: Oh no he's got to you Ron, run Draco

Draco: How about we run into your bedroom? *waggles eyebrows*

Hermione: That's it I'm gonna kill you, you little ferret

Draco: I'm anything but little *waggles eyebrows again*

*Hermione chases Draco out of the common room*

Harry *oblivious to this*: Try and resist me now people

**Scene Change: Snape's classroom**

Harry: Hey Snapey boy watch me sparkle

Snape: 10 points from Gryffindor for being an idiot

Harry *pouts*: But…but aren't I irresitable?

Snape: Maybe in your dreams which to be honest I saw enough of in occlumency *Snape shudders*

Harry: Yeah but in the dream I could have been a superhero

Snape: But did you have to eat the whole giant muffin?

Harry: Yes because, like me, muffins are also irresistible

Snape: Get out

**Scene Change: Great Hall**

Voldemort: Lucius you look fabulous

Lucius: Malfoy's don't look fabulous, they look handsome and intimidating. Fact.

Voldemort: Who's the Dark Lord here?

Snape: Can we just get on with this

Voldemort: Since Bellatrix and Narcissa have left we need people to play the parts of Edmund and Edgar since Pettigrew is now playing Kent.

**Malfoy runs in hiding from Hermione**

Voldemort: Draco you re now playing Edmund

Draco: But….but a scary girl is chasing me

Voldemort: Who's the Dark Lord here?

Snape: Its getting old now

Draco: Shit here she comes

**Draco runs out of the Great Hall**

Voldemort *pretends to ignore Snape*: Anyway that just leaves Edgar

**Harry runs in**

Harry *to Snape*: Can you resist me now?

Snape: For the last time yes!

Harry: Aw

Voldemort: Potter you are now playing Edgar

Harry: But…but

Voldemort: Who's the Dark---

Snape: We know who you are!

Voldemort *muttering*: I was just saying

Snape *sarcastically*: Oh I'm so sorry I upset your feelings my Lord

Voldemort: I don't care if you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, if you say one more snide comment I will crucio you into next week.

Snape: Dually noted

**Draco runs back in looking dishevelled**

Voldemort: Anyway boys here are your scripts *hands the bemused Draco and Harry the script* okay from the top

**Scene Change: Nurmengard Prison**

**Bellatrix and Narcissa climbing the never ending spiral of staris up to Grindelwald's cell**

Narcissa: Bella we should have taken the lift

Bellatrix: The lift was broken Cissy

Narcissa: We could have fixed it.

**Bellatrix pauses, then saying a string of curse words that not even the prisoners had heard.**

Narcissa: Are you done?

Bellatrix: Yes, there can't be further to climb, can there?

**Two hours later**

Narcissa: We've made it!

Bellatrix: Finally, you know I knew we could have fixed the lift.

Narcissa stares at Bellatrix, a murderous glint in her eyes

Narcissa: You made me climb all that for nothing!

Bellatrix: I thought it would help show our dedication to the play and that if I told you two hours ago we'd just go down to get the lift and ruin the plan for showing our dedication.

**Narcissa glares at Bellatrix**

Narcissa: Fuck the dedication *despite this walks into the cell*

**The cell is brightly lit and resembles more of a theatre, Grindelwald directs everyone about the place and Bellatrix and Narcissa cautiously walk towards him.**

Bellatrix: Um… Mr Grindelwald sir, we were wonder if there were any parts you still needed to cast in Othello

Grindelwald: Yes, lets see you *he points to Narcissa* can be Desdemona and you *he points to Bellatrix * can be Iago.

Bellatrix: But but, WHY? I wanted to be Desdemona, this is so unfair, Narcissa always gets the nicest things! Well except in husbands.

Narcissa: At least mine loves me

Bellatrix *in a manner not unlike Draco's*: Harsh

Grindelwald: Shut up! *sighs* Bella your too evil to be Desdemona

Bellatrix: This is so UNFAIR! *she proceeds to throw child's tantrum* Anyone for A Midsummer Nights Dream by Peter Pettigrew?

**Pettigrew appears at window **

Pettigrew: You'd only be cast as Hermia's father - the nastiest character you can get in that play. Trust me this is the best deal you'll get. At least you don't die.

**Then Pettigrew disappears as quickly as he came**

Bellatrix: Fine, give me this script

Grindelwald *said in Mr Burns tone of voice from The Simpsons* : Excellent

Bellatrix *aside to Narcissa*: At least he's not as feminine as Voldemort.

Narcissa *nodding her head*: Agreed.

Tbc

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Will the play be a hit? Will Harry realise the Twilight vampires aren't real? Will Draco make amends to Hermione? Tune in next time for Adventures Of The Retarded Kind.

Please review to tell us if we should continue and any things you want added :)


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: we only own our computer and a block of cheese. YAY cheese

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**Part 3**

**Dumbledore's Office**

Dumbledore: The play will be opening tomorrow night Minerva

McGonagall: Really that soon?

Dumbledore: Yes I was worried about him adding Draco and Harry together but fortunately they are playing brothers so there will be no repeat from last year.

McGonagall: Wanna bet

**Scene Change: Great Hall**

Voldemort *to Harry and Draco*: Seriously guys you are playing brothers and incest is illegal

Draco and Harry: But…but

Voldemort: It ruins the whole plot if Edmund and Edgar had a secret affair not to mention it would be disgusting, I mean they are mortal enemies!

Draco *to Harry*: Sound familiar?

Harry: But it makes things more exciting, at this rate we are gonna kill our audience due to boredom?

Voldemort: One more word like that then I'll crucio you into next week, I'm already letting you wear glitter.

Harry: But glitter's cool

Snape: yeah in the 80's, trust me I was there

Harry *singing ad dancing*: It was acceptable in the eighties, it was acceptable at the time

Draco: Okay if you keep this up we are finished

**Hermione enters**

Hermione: But I thought you liked me Draco?

Harry: But Draco I love you more than words can wield the matter

Voldemort: You say that better than Lucius, right cast change! Lucius you are now Edgar and Harry you are now Goneril.

Draco: Brilliant that means there will be a repeat of last year

**McGonagall runs in looking terrified**

McGonagall: No don't do it!

Voldemort: Its not my fault he's a natural

McGonagall: Think of the children

Voldemort: they have eyelids they can use them

Hermione: What about me Draco?

Draco: Oh so now I'm off-limits you suddenly want me….. Have you ever heard of a threesome?

**Hermione chases Draco out of the hall**

Voldemort: Severus can you order a wig for Draco? The bald spot is irritating me.

Snape: If I get the chance

Voldemort: Who is the Dark Lord around here?

Snape: I'll do it if you never say that again

Voldemort: Deal

**Scene Change: Dumbledore's Office**

Dumbledore: Well put it this way Minerva they get a Sex Education lesson for free

McGonagall: I always knew you were a pervert!

**Scene Change: Gryffindor Common Room**

Ron: Harry you are amazing.

Harry: Well duh I'm the Chosen One and I sparkle, can you get more awesome? Don't answer that Ron.

**Hermione enters holding a ripped green tie**

Harry: Where did you get that?

Hermione: it's a trophy commemorating that I once again beat up Draco Malfoy, I think this one will get a good price on eBay.

Harry: What was the other trophy?

Hermione: Well you know that bald patch he has now…

Harry: Remind me never to piss you off

**Hermione goes up to her dormitory**

Ron: Harry you are amazing

Harry: I know, I know

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Will the students be scarred for life? How will Hermione take Draco's seemingly sudden interest in Harry? Will Harry still glitter? Will the play be a hit or just another Sex Education lesson? Tune in next time for Adventures Of The Retarded Kind.

Should we continue this?

Reviews will be most appreciated


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

Behind stage before the play. Harry is looking out at the audience there to see the play. He is wearing a massive Vivienne Westwood style ball gown complete with sparkly face.

**Harry: Wow the whole school's turned out! Maybe I can preach about Twilight and how we must start a cult to declare our love to the Volturi.**

**Draco walks up behind Harry, he's wearing clothes you would expect to see of a 14th**** century noble man. **

Draco: Do that and I will slit your throat

Harry: And drink my blood and turn me into a vampire.

Draco: Uh… No, I'm a wizard

Harry *who has apparently ignored what Draco has just said* : WHY won't you turn me into a vampire? I'm the bloody chosen one! It's not fair!

Draco: Keep that up and I'll get the hat to resort you into Slytherin

Harry: I'll be good, I'll be good - vampires don't like Slythrins

Draco: Says who?

Harry: Says me and it must be right as I'm the Chosen One

**Draco marches off muttering dark curses**

**Scene Change: Great Hall Audience**

Hermione: I really hope there isn't a repeat of last year.

Ron: Ummm…er….. Sure

Hermione: Ron is there something you haven't told me?

Ron: Okay I admit it I took your favourite quill!

Hermione: Never mind

**Scene Change: Backstage**

Voldemort: Now we have worked long and hard for this people

Draco: Yeah like one week!

Voldemort: Still it felt like ages the way you two were carrying on! Potter if I ever invade your mind again and you show me your memories of your and Draco's _special scene_ again I will kill you, promise or no promise.

Harry: It was your fault for looking you mind raper

Snape: Can we just get this over with I'm already going to lose my dignity just please let me keep my lunch

Voldemort: Okay so I want no mistakes tonight and well break a leg everyone.

**The curtains open and Pettigrew and McNair take the stage**

Pettigrew: I thought the King had more affected the Duke of Albany than Cornwall…..

…..

…..

**3 hours later**

McNair: Um if you say so

Voldemort *puts his head around the curtain*: Get back in here you morons

Harry: Please can we cut to our _special scene_

Voldemort: Well it will certainly wake up the audience

**Harry and Draco strut onstage**

Harrry *as Goneril*: I love you more than words can wield the matter

Draco: Wrong line you idiot

Harry: But it sounds good

Voldemort *backstage*: I give up! World domination here I come!

**Harry strips off dress to reveal a corset and suspenders, Draco takes off his robes to reveal gold Speedos**

Harry *pointing to Draco* : I will make a man out of you!

Draco: Give it your best shot

**Scene Change: Great Hall Audience**

Hermione: Wow they are really good together

Ron *Clearly uncomfortable* : Umm yeah

Hermione *squeals*: Oh my God Draco has taken off his Speedos!

Ron: My EYES!

McGonagall: Should I start evacuating the students?

Dumbledore: No it still counts as Sex Education

McGonagall: Pervert

**Scene Change: Great Hall Stage**

Harry *Screaming* : Harder Draco! Harder!

Draco: I'm trying, who the bloody hell tied this corset?

Harry: It was Voldemort…

**Voldemort appears in a puff of smoke, as Snape desperately tries to stop the curtains catching fire from his joint- uh we mean cigarette.**

Voldemort: Mwahahahaha I have went back to Dark Lord-ness your scene will never be complete

Draco: NEVER!

Voldemort: That's the point you idiot

Harry: Get him!

**They both rush at Voldemort wands raised**

Voldemort: Shit I left my wand backstage

**Harry punches Voldemort in the face**

Harry: Owww!

Draco: Wimp!

Harry: I resent that, I'll show you whose the wimp

**Harry and Draco start fighting, Voldemort scuttles away**

**Scene Change: Great Hall Audience**

Hermione: Place your bets here folks, who will win Draco or Harry?

Dumbledore: 10 galleons on Draco.

Harry: Sir I'm offended, 15 galleons on Draco.

Draco: Harry get your scrawny arse back up here .

Harry: That's not what you called it last night.

Hermione: Hey what about me Draco!

Draco: Your getting as clingy as Pansy, stop it!

Harry: I have a solution… THREESOME!

Hermione: Three's a crowd!

Harry: Fine then don't come

**Harry and Draco walk out of the Hall**

Hermione: You'll do Ron *proceeds to drag Ron out the hall to Gryffindor Tower*

Ron: Hooray for settling! The ginger finally gets some action!

Dumbledore: Ah young love

**Scene Change: Slytherin Dormitory**

Harry *again screaming* : Harder Draco! Harder!

Draco: I give up these corsets are awful! *Sits down on bed*

Harry: Yeah but they are sexy *waggles eyebrows*

Draco: What do you wanna do now?

Harry: I know exploding snap

**The bangs and yells were heard throughout the castle all night long**

**Scene Change: Dumbledore's Office**

Dumbledore: Ah the sound of young love

McGonagall: Pervert

Snape: Its getting old Minerva

Dumbledore: Yeah but you have to admit it sounds like they're having fun

McGonagall *exasperated*: Why are you the Headmaster!

Snape: I give up *goes back to his joint- uh we mean cigarette*

Dumbledore: You love it really

**Snape grimaces**

Dumbledore: I've been thinking about next years play, what about Othello by Grindelwald?

McGonagall: If I never knew better I would have thought you had a thing for Dark wizards…

Yay it's finished! Please R&R and we hope you enjoyed reading it, nap time! J That's all from Adventures of The Retarded Kind! - toodles.


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